someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like a drive thru vagina
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
