oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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