did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
