He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
