you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
