There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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