If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
