I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
