Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
