When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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