listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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