My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
