Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
