Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
