period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
