Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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