Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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