I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
