Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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