glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
