for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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