they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize