Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
