i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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