I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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