I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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