I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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