does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
