you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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