So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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