I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
