he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
