In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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