Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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