This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
