last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
