This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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