the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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