I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
