he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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