and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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