tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
