I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
