My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize