I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
