bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
