I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize