Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
