I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
