I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
