HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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