and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
