I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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